Those Advice from My Parent Which Saved Me when I became a New Father

"I think I was simply just surviving for the first year."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of fatherhood.

However the actual experience soon proved to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her main carer as well as caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After 11 months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct phrases "You're not in a good place. You must get some help. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more accustomed to addressing the stress on mothers and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a broader inability to talk between men, who continue to internalise harmful perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a show of being weak to request help. I failed to do that soon enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - most notably ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a respite - going on a few days abroad, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad decisions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, turning in drink and drugs as a way out from the hurt.

"You gravitate to things that don't help," he notes. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - when you are swamped, tell a family member, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like you before having a baby. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mind is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their experiences, the challenges, as well as the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead give the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, transformed how they talk, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their children.

"I'm better… sitting with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am discovering just as much as you are in this journey."