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The program for the John F. Kennedy Center in the nation's capital features a playful bilingual performance and an improvised theatrical company. Conspicuously absent from the advertised schedule is the upcoming global football draw, presumably because it is a strictly invitation-only affair. Planners seem intent on avoid any uninvited attendees from gaining entry at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid celebrities will undoubtedly parrot the tired platitude that "soccer unites the world."

A Star-Studded Crew

A glamorous event is set to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum together with small-statured American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Together, they will oversee a ceremony that will undoubtedly have British football fans who remember missing the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last the thick end of three grueling hours, the show will feature a seemingly endless playlist of speechifying, overly sentimental highlight reels, pre-vetted gags, famous faces, performances from acts with either little shame or financial motivations, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Detail

Among those tasked with conducting the draw? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the vast, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting legends, barring an uniformed snatch-squad storming the ceremony, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any kind of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the response was non-committal. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are justified when compared with other high-end items.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already secured a place for next year's tournament and another six due to join, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three teams their own country will face in the group stages, the suspense pales in comparison to that which comes before the reveal of the winner of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help bring together people in peace through steadfast dedication and special actions." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is mostly in the United States, speculation about the winner are widespread, though the hints are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager whose side in the midst of a five-match losing streak, providing a classic remark likely to be revisited should a dismissal occur in the future.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to buy a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"